The first proper post of a new blog is always a tricky one, it kind of sets the tone for all posts from then on. I'm not counting the first first post obviously as that's more of a 'hello world' of blogging.
So what am I thinking right now? I'm thinking "Maybe I should get off my arse and go clean out our storage room before tomorrow so I'm not in a rush before the transport turns up." yeah seriously, I'm thinking that.
Moving house is a pain in the ass. Its a logistical nightmare that leaves anyone who undertakes it drained and stressed out with the world. And if I'm stressed now, a week before the actual move, what am I going to be like on the day?
I like to plan things out, set up a series of steps to complete a task and then follow them. I like to know well in advance what is going to happen and when its going to happen. This tends to my overthinking things and having unreasonable expectations of the smoothness of any given operation.
I consider details which others think inconsequential and infuriate the people around me with questions regarding what is being done about A, when they hadn't even thought about A and don't have an answer. Which just stresses me out more.
I like to think I'm laid back and easy going but the truth is that I'm far from it.
I have been led throughout my life, by my education and the society that I was brought up in, to believe that my worth as a person is defined by how much money I'm making. I know this isn't true, but it doesn't mean that its not how I feel. Emotion has very little to do with logic, especially when feeling like this is so deeply conditioned.
I feel a large amount of resentment at a system that expects me to slot into it like a part in a machine. I hate the fact that very few people have the opportunity to do a job they love and not worry about how much of the green it's bringing in. I envy them.
I don't want a dead-end job that a monkey could do. I want a job that challenges me, piques my interest, and lets me fulfill myself rather than simply fill someone else's wallet. I don't want to be a wage slave.
On the other hand who am I to demand to be treated differently? What makes me any more deserving of consideration for my dream job than the next man? Nothing, thats what.
We grew up being told that we were special and that we could do anything we wanted to. We were lied to and we are justified in feeling betrayed.
You'll notice that these ramblings don't have any particular theme, but are separated into sections. This is just something that occurred to me while I was pouring words into this formerly blank text box. I may keep the format, I may not.
Is it okay to regret? Is it okay to look back on your life and wish you'd done things differently?
I can pinpoint the specific year that led me to this point and away from any hope I might have had of being someone different, and I imagine, someone better than I am now.
Of course, if my life had taken a different path then I wouldn't be who I am now and I wouldn't be writing this whilst watching my four year old son play flash games with a sense of pride I didn't know it was possible to feel.
So does regretting the choices made when I was 19 mean that I also have to regret the birth of my son?
I've been and sorted the storage room. Tearing apart cardboard boxes and packing paper is somehow cathartic. I am now all sweaty and exhausted though.